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© bjciii 2005-2007
Originally this page was called "Celebrity Brain Power" and was meant to only feature stories about how stupid celebrities can be, but it felt like easy pickings, so I began to include stories regarding "every day" people like us. So whether they are celebrities or just normal Joes or Janes like the rest of us, I promise you that if they hit my radar, I will put them up. The big difference between the old Jackass page and this one is that I will completely verify these stories to bring and post only the TRUE ones. I promise!
Now that my sister is marrying a police officer, I'm really paying closer attention to the
news and all of the reports involving local police. I have the utmost respect for these
men and women, but there are sometimes I wish they had to work a little bit harder to get
the bad guy...
So the police responded to a "shots fired call" at a local apartment complex in Wilmington, DE and, after securing the scene, noticed a bunch of drugs through the window of another apartment. The officers went through the proper procedure and got a search warrant to enter the building, recovered 141 grams of crack, almost 100 grams of pot, and over $1,600 in cash. Story ends there right? The evil drug dealer lost his stash and the police get a nice win in their reports for the day. C'mon folks... if that was all there was to this, I wouldn't have put it here! No... the 17 year old who lived in the apartment and was dealing said drugs, collecting said profits came home to an empty apartment and said "I've been robbed!" So, what does the
jenyus jeanius genyos
brainiac do? If you said called the cops, you're wrong. The moron actually drove to the
station house to report it in person!!! That's like me driving to an IRS office
and saying, "Yeah... I actually made $300,000 last year, not $30,000. Just thought you
I wish to induct this nameless 17 year old (since he is a minor, it's protected... no matter how dumb he may be) to my Stupid People page! This might be the easiest arrest those cops get their entire career!!!
Maybe I'm just having a bad day today. Maybe I'm just really anti-athlete at this
moment. I don't know, but this story stood out on ESPN.com and I just had to post it here
because it perfectly illustrates the severe lack of consciousness that certain people have.
Take, for instance, Lonny Baxter!
Lonny was drafted into the NBA via Maryland where he grew up. He actually grew up in that Thai hotbed of Silver "There's Only One" Spring, MD so I wonder if my friend Jal knew him! Anyway, Lonny was dropped from one team, signed by another, traded, blah-blah-blah. Despite his spotty employment record, Lonny decided to go hang out with a buddy of his recently. The two of these geniuses decided to drive around in Washington D.C. and look for some fun. I guess to them, fun means a drive-by! Normally I'd ignore something as pedestrian as a simple "drive-by" as an entrant on the stupid page, but this one has a real geographic tie in that makes it perfect. See... Lonny wasn't happy enough to just fire a weapon from a moving car. No, Lonny had to fire a weapon from a moving car two blocks from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. For those of you who are saying "Why does that address sound familiar?" let me answer you with three words: THE WHITE HOUSE. Yes my dear readers, Lonny decided to prove his IQ was in negative digits by firing a handgun two blocks away from the residence of the most powerful man in the free world. Needless to say, it wasn't the Washington, D.C. police who picked him up, but Secret Service agents. Yeah... looks like Lonny will be taking it to the hole soon. Actually, someone else might be pounding it deep in HIS hole.
Either way Lonny, welcome to the stupid people page!
There are a bunch of idiots in the world, but I usually reserve this place for the everday
idiots that just happen to inhabit our world. Sure, it's amusing to poke fun at Spike Lee
and Jessica Simpson, but it's great to see people that you can literally bump into on the
street and realize: Wow... you're a flaming idiot! That's where today comes in!
Steve and Chuck go to McDonalds one night and they end up passing out... in the car... while in the drive through lane. Now I know this particular McDonalds very well as I used to get breakfast there as I was working at my old job. It's not the greatest neighborhood, but it is still lit up a little! So these guys pass out in the drive through lane and one of the Wilmington's finest patrol happens upon them. He peeks in on Sleeping Beauty & The Beast and discovers the two men along with $1,500 of cash, crack, and a loaded 9mm pistol. I tell ya that's a pretty adult happy-meal! So the cop radios for backup, the two are arrested, and Ronald lives to serve 1 billion more.
Congrats to Steve and Chuck though... yet another local idiot - or pair of idiots - on my page!
If there is anything I love more than stupid people, it's stupid criminals. I mean really... the majority of
us TRY to do the right thing even if it's a little longer or more difficult than the easy way, but there are
some people who spit on that and do things the wrong way... the criminal way. It's those people who make me
laugh when they screw up. Why? Let's take a look at Wilmington's own Ralph Minor!
Okay... we have these things in the city now that monitor criminal activity in heavily-trafficked areas and also some other things of similar nature that record people who run through red-lights: They're called CAMERAS. So this dude Ralph, nicknamed "Eddy" for some reason, is paid $100 to take two of those cameras and make them not work anymore. Ralph and his accomplice are seen, on video mind you, carrying a ladder down the street and propping it up to the camera. They are then seen, again... on video, climbing up the ladder to get to the camera. Wait... believe it or not, it does get better. Before this moron takes the camera, he looks right into it. Full facial shot. He breaks the lens and takes the camera, but the idiot obviously did not realize that the images weren't stored inside the camera, but instead relayed to a server elsewhere in the city. When reached for a quote, Dean Vietri, director of security for Wilmington's contracted security cameras, said "The guy did everything but hold up his driver's license."
Needless to say, Wilmington's finest located Ralphie-boy "within hours" and arrested him.
Ralph? Congratulations... I always like inducting Delawareans to this page, but I like inducting stupid criminals even more. A stupid Delawarean Criminal? Priceless!
I know, I know... it's been 11 months, but you missed my societal brand of scintillating sarcasm; don't lie. I
know you did. So what brings me out of my slumber since, in the past 11 months, we've been MORE than treated to
Mr. Tom "Really... not gay" Cruise and his numerous brain-farts which turned into verbal diarrhea. I figured he
was less of a target than a huge bullseye that even the blind could hit with throwing knives made of rubber. No,
this person is yet another in a long line of self-important jerks who think they are above anything and
everything yet are disgusted when they get caught doing something they shouldn't be doing only to point the
finger of blame towards someone else.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you Democratic United States Representitive Cynthia McKinney from Atlanta, GA.
So what did Rep. McKinney do to land on this page? Turns out that Cynthia was requested to stop by a Washington D.C. police officer because she was not wearing her Congressional pin which lets security and staffers know that this person belongs in Congress. She ignored the cop, kept walking, and he stopped her by grabbing her arm. How did United States Representitive McKinney from Atlanta, GA respond? Did she say "Officer, I am United States Representitive Cynthia McKinney representing Georgia's 4th Congressional District?" Did she say, "Officer, please know that, although I forgot my pin, I am Cynthia McKinney and I belong here?" No. She hauled off and hit the cop. No explanation. No apologies, just a smack. If that's not bad enough, instead of saying "Yeah. I overreacted and I am sorry," she decided to point the finger of racism (previously used by such luminaries as Spike Lee, Karl Malone, Barry Bonds, and Rod Woodson) and state that the cop grabbed her because he was racially profiling. See, McKinney had her hair styled in tight corn-rows for many years and, just recently, let them out into "loose spirals" which resemble an unkempt afro. So basically it's all about hair-profiling! It wasn't that a police officer was attempting to safeguard the men and women who work in Congress by keeping people out who can't prove they should be there... no. It was about specifically picking out a woman with a stank 'fro and going for some down-home, redneck lovin.
What bullshit is this?! If I went out, got stopped by a police officer and popped him, I would be cooling my heels awaiting assault charges to come to trial. Not only assault, but knowingly assaulting a police officer. You think I'd be able to talk my way out of it? Hell no. So McKinney's argument is that "they should know who I am" is that stuff you scrape off your shoe after running through the park. Last time I checked, in Congress, there were 100 Senators and 435 Members of the House of Representitives. That's 535 legislators, not to mention countless members of the support staff and building staff. So a cop stopped a woman whom he didn't recognize. She could have easily said "I'm Cynthia McKinney, Representitive from Georgia" and the whole deal would have been over right then and there. Instead, she gets indignant and pops a cop. Call me crazy, but an Atlanta citizen should really know better than to pop a cop. With all of the Falcons (football team from Atlanta folks... keep up) who routinely get arrested and all of the hip-hop artists who harp on the fact that A-T-L is a badass city featuring a lot of corrupt police, shouldn't any citizen of that city be a little more versed in police etiquitte? Well she now is screaming racism so loudly that even her own fellow Democrats are distancing themselves from her. Of course the Republicans are just rubbing their hands together in glee. In any case: Cynthia? Welcome to the Stupid People Page.
Ladies and gentlemen... welcome back! I hate to say that my first new Stupid entry in almost a year has
to come from my home state, but the guy is technically from Brooklyn. So that will let me sleep at night!
So this University of Delaware senior from Brooklyn, NY by the name of Frank Tenteromano is taking "Seminar in Corporate Governance." Apparently he comes into class one day, the teacher instructs everyone to "remove materials from their desks" and then handed out "a form with five questions." So Frankie-boy and another (unnamed) student were observed collaborating on their quizes. The TAs discovered identical papers and that was that. The other student received a lesser punishment, but Frankie already had a few notches on his trouble belt... three violations of UD's conduct code actually. He was on "deferred suspension" until graduation and this kinda pushed The Hen Administration over the edge. So what does Frank do? He sues the school for this suspension. He claims he was "denied due process" and that his failing the class was "arbitrary and capricious." The University said he can complete his work and graduate... next year when the suspension ends. He claims that it wasn't explicitly stated that this was a quiz and the class was always a collaborative effort, so why should this time be any different?
I don't know about you, but when a teacher told me to put everything away and handed out papers, it was implied that this was a gradable thing. Whether it was a quiz or a test, if they asked you to ditch the books and notes you took, chances are you shouldn't be talking to your buddy in the seat next to you either. Fortunately Frank proves that stupidity still exists in today's world and they are ALWAYS ready to sue for the continued right to be an idiot. If all else fails, Frankie has a golden shot at getting a job with Enron. Congrats Frankie! You're my first Delaware person to land on The Stupid Page!
Due to the fact that he never got lucky at a bar, Mr. David R. Gillespie decided to file a complaint
against Ladies' Night (a popular practice at bars & clubs). Now Davey said that it's "discriminatory"
against men when Ladies get in for free and get half-price drinks. Did I mention this is in the great
and toxic state of New Jersey? Methinks he breathed too much of the airborne chemicals! So what David
doesn't understand is that bars & clubs have these nights to attract more women to the establishment.
More women invariably leads to more men. Do you think most men complain that the place they are in is
packed with women who are drinking themselves into a stupor? I don't think so.
I originally thought that David got drunk, hit on a few women, and got turned down so he filed this complaint (6 years ago mind you). However I came to the conclusion that he couldn't have and he would have HAD to wait until he was sober and do it the next day. That begs the question: Why?! I guess it's one of those things that you always ask the stupid. Congrats David R. Gillespie of New Jersey, not only did you make it to the stupid page, but you're never getting laid again!
Her father swears that she's just playing up the "blonde" act for continued ratings on her TV
show. I mean, honestly, someone can't REALLY be that dumb can they? It's amazing that people
like Jessica Simpson can actually function in society with the level of naiveté she has. This
girl, who could get her own wing on this page, has refused to eat Buffalo Wings because she
didn't want to eat buffalo. She had no idea that it was tunafish in Chicken of the Sea cans and
thought they were actually chicken parts. Now she commits another faux-pas when recently visting
Ford's Theatre. Meeting up with Gale Norton, the first woman to be appointed United States Interior
Secretary, Jessica states that she loved how Gale decorated the White House. Interior. Decorator.
Get it? Ugh.
Maybe if we get lucky, this season's finale of "Newlyweds" on MTV will feature Jessica traveling to see The Wizard for a brain.
As if we didn't have enough reasons to pick on Canadians, out from the Canuck north comes
tales of prison guards... all named Dr. Phil. Well that's not exactly fair; the prison board
of Canada (aptly named Corrections Canada) has decided that stab-proof vests send the wrong
message to the inmates in their institutions. You see, they want their guards to talk to
these incarcerated souls and play psychotherapist, mother, and, yes folks, friend. C'MON NOW!
If these idiots were put in prison, it wasn't because they rooted for Detroit over Montreal
in the Stanley Cup! They were put behind bars for breaking the law. They are forced into cells
and fed crappy food and forced to re-enact rape scenes from "Oz" on a daily basis. Do you
think they're HAPPY about this? If that's the case, then why can't the prison guards defend
themselves by wearing knife-proof boxers? Ugh.
Oh Canada... my stupid north neighbor. You gave us Celine Dion, Jim Carrey, and the word "aboot", but I'm willing to overlook those indescretions. However, since you gave us John Candy, let me return the favor: QUIT BEING SO GOD-AWFUL STUPID EH!!!
Okay. I have problems with drugs to begin with (I don't have PROBLEMS with drugs, but I have
a problem with addicts...), but then you infuse major stupidity into it and it just gets
funnier. So here's the story (again sent to me by Mark): Some 17 year old kid named Davaugn
Goethe actually FLAGGED DOWN a car to sell drugs. After hopping in the backseat, he remarked
to the driver AND the passenger "Hey, you look like cops." Maybe the fact that these two guys
WERE cops and wearing raid jackets that had POLICE emblazoned on the back tipped him off. Ya
think? So not only did this idiot get into a cop car AND try to sell clearly marked police
officers drugs, but (and this is the funny part), he also gets busted for truancy since he was
17 and not in school at the time of the bust. He swallowed the drugs and they haven't been
recovered yet apparently, so little Davaugn is going to be learning the joys of enemas real
Ladies and gentlemen: Your public school dollars at work.
Oh boy... I just had this discussion with a very good friend of mine and she said that she
believes in Feng Shui. I told her that I believe we make our own luck so this was very
fortunate that my friend Mark sent this link to me. I ask you... what is it with politicians
and stupid bills? This guy, Leland Y. Yee, proposed to the San Francisco city council that
all building plans have to take into account the "flow of energy" for the building. Um...
So corruption and polution and illegal aliens and high taxes and highER gasoline prices are
secondary to inanimate objects' "energy flow" right? Wow. Not only is Yee a spiritual Chinese
immigrant (he arrived here at the age of 3...), but he is a child psychologist! That's right
folks! If you live in the San Francisco area and your kids are screwed up, change around the
furntirure says Yee!!!
Congrats Leland! You've made my Stupid People page!
"Talk about America's dumbest criminals..."
When I read that line, I knew they were destined for my Stupid Page! Turns out that 4 teens from Cleveland, Ohio decided to get their kicks by driving around and tasering homeless people with a stun gun. I always knew people from Ohio were weird, but this takes the cake. Oh yeah... did I mention The Legion of Dumbasses decided to VIDEOTAPE everything? Yeah. Nothing says "stupid" like chronicling your idiocy on videotape for the prosecution to pop in for the jury. So one of these criminal masterminds was actually over 18 and got arrested and held. The other 3 were juveniles, so mommy and daddy are left to wonder "where did we go wrong?"
How did they get caught? Their car broke down. In front of the Justice Center. They ran... and left ALL the video equipment, yes folks... that INCLUDES the tapes of the attacks, in their car. A motorist tried to help them out when their car broke down, but they bolted and the motorist asked a nearby homeless guy what was up. He found out and flagged down some police. It's a horrible thing they did, but I take solace in the fact that as long as there is crime, there will be dumbass criminals that beg to be caught. Then again, with a resume like this, maybe they can get scholarships to Ohio State!
Wow. Texas has taken over as one of the most polluted states. It kills more people than most of the other states combined. It gave us President Dumbass and now it's setting its sights on something REALLY important: Ethnic names for Hurricanes. State Representative Sheila Jackson Lee (D) feels that the naming conventions for Hurricanes are decidedly non-Afro friendly. There are names like Larry and Wanda and Bill (my personal favorite), but she wants names such as Keisha and Jamal and Deshawn to be represented as well. This year Spanish & French names have been included in the roster, but there isn't any Antwon or Destiny or Latoya. So what happens now... The World Meteorological Society isn't about to update the list before 2007, so there is no chance of anything happening until at LEAST 2008. Our fellow citizens are starving, going broke, worried about terrorism, worried about the leadership of this country and yet she feels that the ethnic divide in Hurricane names is the most important bill she can put forth. This is friggin ridiculous even for THIS page! I am SOOO glad I do not live in Texas. I think I'd shoot myself. Welcome to The Stupid People page Sheila... hope you end up somewhere OTHER than elected office and prove that Darwinism really works.
People like this really shock me. I know that I should not have inherent faith that people
will be smart and logical, but I do. That's why it really blows my mind when a burglar falls
through the skylight of the people's house he's robbing THEN sues them for faulty
installation and wins. You'd think a judge would say "Get the hell out of here!" but they
don't. It's sad. So enter Michelle Padilla.
In 1999, Michelle was a 23 year-old mommy of one and she was lying on a boat in California's Lake Havasu when she was greeted by the familiar chant of "Show your t*ts!!" (Please note, if you don't know what letter the * stands for just stop reading now). So she did what any mother of one would do: She stood up and pulled down her bikini top to expose herself to complete strangers who simply asked to see her breasts.
Fast-forward 4 years and this 27 year old is now the mommy of one, the step-mommy of two, and a wife. Her little breast-baring bonaza was caught on tape by those horny videographers: Girls Gone Wild. She is now suing GGW for invasion of privacy. Now call me crazy, but I thought "invasion of privacy" happened when people intentionally captured private moments for their own use. Since when does that cover a stupid woman whipping her top down in full view of everyone on shore?!? Apparently everything came to a head when her stepsons heard rumours of their new mommy's boobies on video and DVD. Her lawyer's claim about the whole thing was that the former Ms. Padilla was "not in the habit of doing things like that." Well I guess that explains why most of her stepsons' friends just hang around the house all day huh?
Congrats Michelle... you've flashed your goodies thereby negating privacy and now you're suing. You've made my list.
In the days of Pong, videogame controllers featured a dimmer switch on a wire. Atari
came next and it was a simple stick and 1 button on a square base. Throughout the era since
then we've seen all sorts of funky controllers (Colecovision anyone?!?) with control sticks
and buttons and switches and knobs, steering wheels and pedals, yaw sticks and throttles...
you name it, someone had it. A few years back the gamers were introduced to the vibrating
controller. You hit someone in the game, it vibrated in your hand. You drive around and you
feel the curves... it was something new. The first time you experience it, it is a little
odd, but you get used to it real quick. So what happens when you don't feel it anymore? You
turn to Kevin Rose, a writer for TechTV.com, and he shows you how to build an Xshok
controller out of an existing XBox controller. Yes... X-Shock... as in 20,000 Volts to zap
you. Some people just are too bored for their own good.
I guess this glutton for punishment decided that he wanted something to tell him when he was hurt in the game, so he went out and got a 20,000 Volt "Pest Shocker," a few parts from Radio Shack and actually hooked this thing up to his controller. Not only did he do it, but he gave step-by-step instructions on how to do it yourself! There's a real problem when an idiot decides he wants to amp up his pain experience by voluntarily shocking himself... but I guess it worked for The Jackass crew over at MTV. Congrats Kevin... you've made it onto The Stupid People Page. Do us a favor and hold the zapper between your legs the next time you play Mortal Kombat... we don't want you to reproduce!
On the plus side... he did say don't hold the zapper in both hands due to the current taking a circular path through your heart... "which would be bad." I guess even Stupid People have moments of clarity... after 20,000 volts anything is possible I guess.
Turns out that Shelton Jackson Lee (yes, that's Spike Lee's birth name) thinks anything named
"Spike" should be his and his alone! Here's the encapsulated story: There used to be a TV
network called TNN: The Nashville Network. You know what it is, you've seen Bass-Fishing and
Monster-Truck Rallys and Country Music all over it. Well... a few years ago The Nashville
Network became TNN: The National Network and dumped 99% of it's backwoods-themed shows. It
started airing Star Trek & Baywatch reruns along with WWE Wrestling and all the stuff they
think men would want to watch. Well they couldn't quite get away from the TNN stigma, so they
decided to change the name to Spike TV to attract a decidedly male audience.
Apparently Senator Bill Bradley and actors Ossie Davis & Edward Norton asked Spike Lee if
this was his TV station. Enter the lawsuit against Viacom (the station's owner). CNN.com