bjciii: My twisted thoughts

I received an e-mail from someone today telling me that Bill Cosby wanted to be a write-in vote for the 2008 Presidential Election. Well, the person sending it to me knew it was fake, but I looked it up and the e-mail I’m about to post here has also been attributed to George Carlin and Robin Williams. In any case, it’s some guy’s opinions that were circulated and attributed to higher-named celebrities to gain attention. Some aren’t bad… (the original comments are in bold and my comments follow in italics)

(1) ‘Press 1 for English’ is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait at the border until you can.

Actually, English is NOT the official language of The United States; we do not HAVE an “official” language! While I tend to agree that English is the most common language here and it would be very helpful if everyone understood it, there’s no way that it will ever become a national language due to the overwhelming sentiment of singularity that seems to make liberals wet themselves.

(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country’s attitude. NO imports, no exports. We will use the Wal-Mart’s policy, ‘If we ain’t got it, you don’t need it.’

Not a bad idea, actually… but completely ludicrous. There’s no way in hell this will ever happen as people buy more imported goods than domestic goods. Tell the rich folks that they won’t be able to purchase a Mercedes or a BMW and see how long that lasts. As for stopping EXPORTS? What the hell are you thinking? Like the economy doesn’t suck bad enough? Now you want to cut off the foreign money?

(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.

Again, idiocy. So, instead of buying a $300 Blu-Ray player, you’ll be paying $600? Not gonna fly in this or any other century.

(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.

Retired? Why would you call those who already served back into active duty? Recall our troops abroad who are hated by the world, and stick THEM in the observation towers! I’ve been championing that idea for years now!

(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state.. If you didn’t put nuttin in, you ain’t gettin nuttin out. The president nor any other politician will not be able to touch it.

This is just bullshit. Since 1983, all members of Congress and The President pay into Social Security. I do agree that only those who contribute should get the benefits, however. Why should people who haven’t put money in get to take money out?

(6) Welfare – Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.

I agree with this one… mostly. I agree that there should be a mandatory education / employment stipulation, but I highly doubt there are enough people or enough funding to maintain the level of attention it would take to measure sobriety. Welfare is meant to help the hopeless, not to support the apathetic and lazy. I think, in order to receive benefits, you should be forced to show that you are trying to better yourself and your situation.

(7) Professional Athletes–Steroids. The FIRST time you check positive you’re banned for life.

The problem with the zero-tolerance situation is there is no room for error. Everyone makes mistakes and it’s not fair to make a blanket statement like this. Non-medicinal use of steroids for athletic enhancement SHOULD be cause for a lifetime ban, but ignorance or misapplication shouldn’t cause a loss of employment.

(8) Crime – We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more life sentence. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

Again, zero-tolerance. While I believe that “The Turkish Method” is attractive to those of us who feel the court system seems to favor those with good lawyers, there’s no way on God’s green earth that we’ll ever adopt it. There are reasons why people commit crimes. Yes, some are just greedy assholes, but some are trying to feed and protect their families. We have to take that into account.

(9) One export will be allowed, Wheat. The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

Dumb. Export the wheat for free, build up international goodwill, and reap the benefits of good public relations.

(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we’ll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it’s a worthy cause.

This, I like quite a bit. I’d be happy to get The United States Treasury to create THE LIST. On that list, countries will be allowed to receive foreign aid as they provide it. For example… those countries who helped us get back on our feet after 9/11 or Katrina? No problems. Those who don’t do squat? Sorry ’bout your damned luck.

(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.

(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc

I combined these two because, in reality, they’re extremely similar. I do think that American children should be made to learn and recite The Pledge of Allegiance. I also believe that those in service to their country should be made to recite it before duty (including jury duty). I also believe that The National Anthem should be played during appropriate events and that all Americans should understand that the last few words are “…of the brave” and NOT “Play Ball!”

I also believe in the following (which were not on the original list, but should have been):

Immediate forgiveness of all foreign debt. WHY? Because they’re not going to pay it anyway. By continuing to accumulate interest and other debt, those poor countries are getting poorer and we continue to look like a big prick by picking on the little guy. Forgive the debt (which we’re not getting back in any case), look like a forgiving culture, and gain some positive spin in the eyes of the world. I’m not saying that we continue to lend, never expecting back, but clear the books, and start from scratch.

Legalization of marijuana. WHY? I don’t smoke it and, frankly, I’m not a fan of the odor, but we spend so much money fighting it, and we are losing. Save money on the fight, save money on the incarceration of the users, and tax the ever-loving shit out of it to create revenue. How difficult is that?

Legalize same-sex marriages NATIONALLY. WHY? Give me a good reason why not. If you can provide me a good, non-religious reason why gays shouldn’t have the same rights as heteros, I’ll be impressed. Why will I be impressed? Because you can’t. I’m straight and I see absolutely NO reason why a gay man can’t get married to another gay man. It’s stupid.

Recall of all American military personnel. WHY?Again, we’re hated globally. People keep screaming that they don’t want us around, so why bother? Bring our boys and girls home, put them on the border, and we’ll take care of our own shit first and foremost. When the world implodes into stupid in-fighting and everyone wonders why we aren’t helping out, we’ll just replay the last 10 years for them and let them figure it out.

That’s just my two cents. Agree or disagree, I don’t care. I had some extra time, so I figured I’d just plunk it down. Peace.

• When are people going to get smart? We live in an age of mobile media which means that no matter who you are, where you are, what you are doing, or how you are doing it, there will most likely be someone who has a camera-phone pointed at you. Remember how everyone freaked when they read (or, since we live in a mostly illiterate society, heard about) the idea of Orwell’s 1984? “Big Brother” is not a fictional thing, people… Big Brother is in the addled minds of every idiot who thinks it’s a good idea to record their friends doing stupid things. There is no such thing as privacy any longer, but the best we can hope for is the control of our information. The dissemination of our ideas falls to us to properly explain. I bring this up because, over the last few weeks, I saw not one, but two stories about local police doing or saying something which was caught on tape. The first guy said some derogatory things about a specific group of people while a reporter was supposedly on a “ride-along” and the second guy was caught on video (now uploaded to YouTube) joking about a murder victim and how the victim’s mother reacted when she heard the news. Now, before I get any hate-mails, this is NOT a “police” problem; this is a people-problem. Teachers, doctors, nurses, secretaries, dog-trainers, electricians, and mechanics… EVERYONE says stupid things and we ALL make off-color comments. The fact is, these two men were screwed because A) they didn’t think to make sure no one was recording them, and B) they were betrayed by people they hoped would have their back. Let this be a lesson to you, folks: Always pay attention to your surroundings!
• I’ve come to the conclusion, based on my own personal experience, that a few of the atheists I know are much more holier-than-thou than many of the religious people I know! I mean, the arrogance of either side, bleating their words and pounding their chests, to try to convince the opposite side… it’s downright offensive! I’ve been a Catholic for 33+ years now, and while I don’t always agree with the Church or its practices, I am very content to express my spirituality and love for God in the Catholic dogma. Who the fuck are you to tell me I’m wrong? I don’t care if someone’s Buddhist, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Satanist, Christian, or Atheist: whatever gets you through the day, as long as it’s not infringing on anyone else’s right to feel good about themselves, is fine with me! I know there are plenty of Christians who go door-to-door as witnesses, but we’re not all like that, so treating us all like that shows just how quick-to-judgment and closed-minded you actually are! I’m very lucky to know more than a few atheists, and the majority of them are capable of rather interesting and deep conversations about religion, the existence of a higher-being, and other things like that without sounding like over-puffed peacocks, strutting their supposed intellect for the world to see. Sorry if I sound like I’m on a bitch-session, but something set me off this morning and I’m very tired of being assailed by the “logical” people for my beliefs when I don’t shove mine down their throat. Live and let live? Well… I guess that’s only good when agreed with, huh?

Merrill Reese. Gene Hart. Harry Kalas.

Those three men were the holy trinity of Philadelphia sports voices and now Merrill is the only one left.

Today, the Phillies broadcast booth is quiet because Harry Kalas has died. The man who transcended a simple radio report to become THE VOICE of both Philadelphia baseball and the NFL Films franchise is no more.

It was horrible to lose Whitey 12 years back because there was nothing more relaxing than listening to Harry & Richie “Whitey” Ashburn doing the Sunday afternoon games for The Phillies. Fortunately (and it’s a somber “fortunately”), Whitey was older and sick and we sort of expected it. Harry just happened. In a cosmic twist of perfection, he was found in the broadcast booth down in Washington, preparing for the Phillies-Nats game.

My words are failing me. Losing Harry leaves a hole in the sportscasting world that will never, ever be filled.

God bless, Harry. It’s trite, but you will absolutely be missed.

March 26, 1936 - April 13, 2009

We live in a strange, strange world. On one hand, America is the land of the free where people are able to do and say whatever they want with no fear of governmental reprisal for dissenting opinions. On the other hand, we are virtually handcuffed because everything we say or do needs to be sanitized so as not to offend anyone’s (newly) delicate sensibilities.

At some point since my memories started, there was a push to be “politically correct” in everything we say. No longer were blacks, blacks… but “African Americans” which, in the words of SEVERAL of my students, is linguistically incorrect as some students of color who are lumped into the African American category are most certainly NOT of African origin! (Seriously… I didn’t even think of that, being an ignorant American. I have had several very eloquent explanations of race from these students, describing their genetic makeup in no uncertain terms, and they are quick to point out that their color doesn’t have anything to do with being from the continent of Africa.) All of these overly bland terms were applied to avoid offending people, but the real offense comes at the fact that these terms (as stated with my “black” v. “African American” example) are grossly misapplied or overgeneralized!

Yes, my friends… Common Sense has been beaten, raped, and dragged to the town square only to be drawn and quartered in front of a mass of jeering politicos!

I bring this up because of a story that has just been circulating locally (and, probably, nationally): An 11 year old girl brought a cake and a pastry knife to school to share with her classmates to garner votes for a class election. The teacher took the knife, proceeded to cut the cake, distributed the slices, and then turned the girl in for bringing a “deadly weapon” to school.

I have several issues with this.

First, it IS considered a deadly weapon according to the district rules (“three or more inches… regardless of intent”), but, seriously, bringing it out in front of everyone? To cut a cake that you brought? C’mon… Let’s use a little common sense! In this age of ZERO-TOLERANCE, we have become overly PC in the fact that EVERYTHING is offensive and dangerous! That’s bullshit and we all know it, but somehow, someone managed to take the reins of the country and keep it steered towards a black-and-white result.

This poor 11-year old was only practicing the time-honored tradition of bribery for votes! Bring in cake, get a vote or two! Now, she could have faced a MANDATORY 5-day suspension from school AND a note in her record stating that she brought a knife to school, but, luckily, someone bowed to public pressure and rescinded the suspension because they weren’t 100% certain that the girl handled the knife to begin with.

Next, the teacher used the knife to disseminate the slices of cake, and then turned the girl in? Don’t you think that a teacher who knew it was dangerous would have done so before cutting the cake? This seems like a bad call by a mindless zombie… but a zombie who didn’t want to be inconvenienced by figuring out how to cut a cake another way.

Finally, this whole situation is indicative of the bad implimentation of ZERO TOLERANCE policies. A ZT policy means just that: You break the rules, regardless of intent or malice, and you get the full pentalty. Folks, we do not live in an “either/or” world! There isn’t “right” and “wrong”, “good” or “evil”, or any other split idea! We live in a world of gray! We need that common sense to tell us that being politically correct is a waste of time and is only serving to destroy the very foundation of our freedoms as Americans!

Unfortunately, too many people have bitched WAY too loudly to get their way on a number of things and we were turned into a pack of drooling idiots, terrified to offend anyone. I’m tired of that. I’m tired of living my life, scared to death, that I will upset someone’s delicate sensibilites because of a joke or a statement of personal belief. Because, and this is the important part, if we can’t state our personal beliefs, then how is being an American any different from the multitude of repressed countries that the patriots rail against?

Next time you’re confronted with a situation were rules dictate one course of action, take a step back and ask yourself “What is really going on here?”