bjciii: My twisted thoughts

So ya know when people kill themselves, everyone weeps and wonders Why God… Why? There are some times that suicide is a long, drawn out process and doesn’t involve jumping in front of a train or hanging yourself. These times are when you’re an alcoholic, a heavy smoker, a drug user, a portly fellow or lady who just can’t stop eating those deep-fried Twinkies. While I wouldn’t call those acts “funny” in the least (as the sufferer isn’t the smartest person, they usually inflict more emotional pain on the survivors than anything else), there is a situation I will allude to which is a knee-slapper:

Say you find out that you have this disease called Moolahmetricemia and it is completely treatable. All you need to do is stay on this regimen of exercise, diet, and medication that you are currently on; you don’t need to really change anything or ADD anything… just stay status quo.

Now imagine that you decide you don’t need to exercise anymore, so you quit that. Your Moolahmetricemia gets a little worse and people are complaining that you aren’t doing your best at things anymore. You offer them bullshit excuses and maybe even bribe them to make things better. Things level off and you’re still worse off than you were, but you’re still able to function at a minimal level. Then, all of a sudden, you decide to cut your medications. Just like that. Done. You’re basically condemning yourself to a slow death, but you do it anyway.

Why?

Because you’re a fucking idiot that’s why! How is THAT not funny? You didn’t have to do a Goddamned thing to stay healthy, yet you cut back on things that were just always there and functioning. You’re killing yourself all the while convincing everyone that things are going to be better and better.

I know a bunch of my loyal readers are thinking: What the holy fuck are you talking about? Trust me… you don’t even want to know. Rest assured that *I* am just fine and healthy and happy as are my friends and my family and my co-workers. Fret not my lambs… this is just something I needed to share.

So my buddy Dan was a man-whore in college. There’s no denying it and, frankly, he’s not going to try. He’s a married man now and his wife knows all about his past. Well, they’ve been married for 3 years this December and, by that time, they’ll have their first child. The pregnancy was announced to my family on Christmas morning of 2005 and soon Kelly will be pushing that baby out. That morning, however, Dan stated that he was having a son. There was no doubt, there was not “I hope it’s a boy,” there wasn’t even “If it’s a girl.” It was simply: We’re having a boy. I asked why (because I’m a nosy git) and he said “Because everyone in the Young family has always had first-born males; it’s genetic!” I said, “Dan… karma is gonna kill you for everything you did in college. I’ll bet you $50 that your child is a girl.” He, of course, said “You’re on.”

I won.

Dan & Kelly got their Level 2 ultrasound results back yesterday and discovered that the little boy inside of Kelly lacked a penis. That’s my funny way of saying that they are officially having a girl. To be fair, I think Dan will be a great dad to a little girl because he knows EXACTLY what guys are like and he’s gonna be very vigilant. I think that things are going to be very funny for a while because I’ll be laughing solid until that little girl is in high-school

As the prophet John Lennon once wrote: “Instant Karma’s gonna get you… kick you right in the face.” How does the treadmark feel Danny-boy?

Spring arrives at exactly 1:26pm Eastern Standard Time today and it’s just above freezing with a chance of snow this week. Interesting weather we have, no?

Weather. Now there’s a discussion I have with my friends who leave Delaware for “greener” pastures. I have one friend, in particular, who moved to San Diego who talks about the “weather” there. I say, “No Em, there is no weather in San Diego. Weather changes. Weather is varied; temperatures rise and drop, rain comes and goes. San Diego has a CLIMATE. When the weather doesn’t change honey, that’s a climate.” In that vein, spring is about to hit and we’re still languishing in the 30s. Give it another month and we’re gonna be in the 80s. That’s weather folks.

I do love spring though. I have very vivid and wonderful memories of coming home from school around Easter and the house would be completely open; I mean, doors and windows would be flung far and wide. The smell of chlorine and bleach would be in the air and the faint whirring of the vacuum cleaner would greet me walking from my bus stop. When I walked into the house, the temperature would be chilly, but not all that bad because it was spring after all. My mom would be running around, sweating, trying to dust another fan blade or throw Comet in another sink to scrub. The house, by most accounts, was meticulously clean, but when your mother is a nurse, no cleaning is good enough and everything must be scrubbed again and again; my mom would have a spring-cleaning master’s degree if they offered one! I just loved walking into the house and inhaling that smell of “clean” rather deeply.

So that’s spring. In about 2 hours and change it will be here in name only, but give it a few more weeks and I’ll be in short-sleeves and shorts showing off my ghostly-white legs. You know you love it.

Here’s something I put up every year to keep you as pain-free as possible while celebrating Saint Patrick’s Day:

A Saint Patrick’s Day Survival Guide

Beannachtai na feile Padraig!!

It was announced either yesterday evening or today that the new season of Rock Star that I was speaking about in a previous post will feature a new band of musicians who haven’t exactly gone anywhere together yet. That band will be called “Supernova” and will feature the winner of Rock Star on lead vocals, Gilby Clarke (formerly of Guns N’ Roses) on guitar, Jason Newstead (formerly of Metallica) on bass, and Tommy Lee (former rapper, porn-star, reality-star, convict, and member of Mötley Crüe) on drums. All-in-all, that’s an impressive pedigree actually.

I don’t know when it will start or what the format will be, but it will definitely be something to see if Tommy Lee is involved; you never know when he’ll blow up and end up in jail again.

Show: The Unit
Channel: CBS
Airing: Tuesday nights at 9:00/8:00c
Premise: A covert team of U.S. Special Forces operatives undertake missions around the world while their wives attempt to carry on a normal life back at home, living on a military base and keeping their husbands’ secrets.
Thoughts: The only reason I really wanted to watch this show to begin with is that Dennis Haysbert (formerly President Palmer on the equally wonderful 24) is the lead actor in this hourlong drama. I could care less about the former Mr. Jennifer Garner (Scott Foley, although he IS good on the show), but I also discovered that my boy Robert Patrick (he of Terminator 2: Judgement Day and brother of Filter’s lead-singer fame) is also on the show. So I’m watching the first episode last week and was blown away by how wonderful it felt to see the former President Palmer play a guy named Jonas Blane and act just like a more socially-acceptable Jack Bauer. I read somewhere that this show is a cross between 24 and Desperate Housewives, but I never saw the latter show, so I can’t really comment on that. It is, however, a perfect blend of what happens in the field and how the women who are at home are the ones who are really responsible for keeping things in check. At once it is a personification of the old idea that women keep the house while the men are at work and a neo-feminist ideal of how the wives left behind keep everything running smoothly and have their own sort of covert unit to keep things under control. Fantastic storytelling…
Outlook: I think this show is definitely going to last a few seasons on the strentgh of Haysbert’s presence alone, but the fact that Mamet is attached makes it a lock. The stories are awesome and the dichotomy between the men’s unofficially offical unit (lead by Jonas) and the women’s officially unofficial unit (lead by Jonas’ wife Molly) makes this show a winner by every definition. I’d be extremely surprised to see it canceled or put on haitus anytime in the next few seasons. I highly, highly, recommend it.

I’ve been correcting so many papers lately that I’m starting to correct my friends’ e-mails without thinking about it! Whoa doggie! I’m losing my mind! It’s a good thing though.

By the way… has anyone watched The Unit on CBS yet? Fan-Freaking-Tastic show! I’ll actually revive the review thing for this one… lemme do that.

Our local NBC affiliate, NBC-10, had this pseudo-contest (no prizes, just fun) where they asked Eagles fans to write Haikus dedicated to Terrell Owens and his leaving of Philadelphia. I wrote 4 and submitted two. Below are my poems and I ended up sending the first one. Enjoy.

I’m not Irish.

Seriously… I learned that the hard way my first time visiting Northern Ireland and everyone was ACTUALLY Irish there. Everytime I said, “Oh yeah… I’m Irish.” I was treated to the looks that mean “You’re fookin daft ya Yank!” So what am I then?

I’m an American with Irish ancestry. That is a proven fact and can’t really be disputed by anyone on either side of the pond. Now, having gotten that out of the way, what is the big deal about Saint Patrick’s Day in America? I will bet you that a large percentage of the American population of non-Irish lineage has no clue about anything regarding Saint Patrick other than:

• He drove the snakes out of Ireland.
• He is Ireland’s patron Saint.

Honestly, I’d be surprised to learn that more than half the people knew that much! As with anything, however, Saint Patrick’s Day in Wilmington has become yet another excuse to get drunk. No one gives a damn about the religious feast day, no one cares about the honest-to-God Irish practices and heritage… nope. All these assholes want to do is blame their alcoholism and the subsequent hangover on a man who has been dead for over 1500 years and wasn’t even Irish to begin with!

Surprise morons!!! Saint Patrick was most likely born Welsh, although there are a number of settlements he could have lived in during his infancy on the west-coast of Great Britan. Also? He’s not the sole patron saint of Ireland; he shares that duty with Saint Brigid and Saint Columba. Another thing: Ireland hadn’t actually had native snakes of the actual animal kind since well after glaciers roamed the area. Somewhere along the way, the figurative snake was substituted for the metaphorical snakes Patrick drove out. Those metaphorical snakes? The Druids. I guess it made for a better story with an old guy causing a bunch of serpents to flee when confronted with a staff.

So why we celebrate Saint Pat’s for everyone to pretend they really ARE Irish and get drunk is beyond me. Personally I’d give a test before I gave them beer… By the by? Saint Brigid of Ireland’s feast day is either the 1st of February or the 10th of June (depending on the relics you follow) while Saint Columba is the 9th of June. Might as well add them to the list of drinking holidays right?

Why am I so angry about this? I get tired of the throngs of people whose sole purpose is to get blitzed out of their gourd and make complete jackasses of themselves. Add in the fact that I can’t really hit my favorite spots due to the incredible amount of people packed into the area, and I’m one unhappy camper! You don’t see all the Italians in the area getting loud and obnoxious during Columbus Day do you?

So, for me, when you’re out on the feast day of Saint Patrick, raise your glass of whatever and say (either silently or aloud… I really don’t care) a prayer for Saint Patrick’s intercession on your behalf:

God our Father, you sent Saint Patrick to preach your glory to the people of Ireland. By the help of his prayers, may all Christians proclaim your love to all men. Grant this through our Lord Jesus Christ, your Son, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever.

My religion teachers must be so proud of me right now…

Even though I probably should have, I didn’t watch Rock Star: INXS. If you didn’t either, it is basically a reality show in the vein of American Idol except the judges are a band who lost their lead singer. C’mon… we all remember INXS and their former lead singer Michael Hutchence right? He’s the one who hung himself while jerking off? That was the street-definition… the coronor used a big word with a hyphen: autoerotic-asphyxiation. Basically it means he was choking himself while he was choking his chicken. Interesting no?

Anyway, Rock Star: ????? is coming back with a new band. There are a few really famous bands that lack a lead singer, so who would you choose? Some of the rumoured ones for this season are the immmortal Queen (Freddie Mercury died of an AIDS-related illness and he was, quite possibly, the greatest voice in rock history in my opinion), Van Halen (David Lee Roth was a dick so he was fired. Sammy Hagar got into a fight with the VH brothers and was fired. Gary Cherone just plain sucked and he was fired quietly), Alice in Chains (Layne Staley died of a drug overdose), and Blind Melon (Shannon Hoon died of a drug overdose).

So what other band currently lacking a lead singer (for whatever reason) would you like to see pimp themselves to America to get a replacement? Please think of bands whose lead singer has died, been fired, or quit. Don’t give me a band who already has one you don’t like… that’s not playing fair!