bjciii: My twisted thoughts

Okay, maybe I’ve seen way too many movies. Maybe I have higher standards than a normal person would BECAUSE I’ve seen that many movies.

Underworld: Evolution was inexcusable though.

A little bit through this flick, the two leads decide to have a little vampire – hybrid sex. Action beforehand, action afterwards… sex in between. I turned to my friend Chris and whispered “This reminds me a lot of The Terminator when Michael Behn & Linda Hamilton decided to take a moment out of their busy ‘Let’s not get killed’ routine to bone.” She giggled and that was that. The movie rambled on after that, jumping from one action sequence to another before the end. The end… that is what made me growl the entire ride home. The end of this movie was almost i-fucking-dentical to Terminator 2: Judgement Day!!! In T2, Linda Hamilton is narrating about how the past was over and the future was, for the first time, open for interpretation while the camera panned over headlights rolling over the highway lines before the credits rolled. U:E decided to rip it off by substituting water for the highway and using a Thesaurus to change some of the words. I looked at Chris, my eyes bugging out and my mouth wide open. I said “Son of a bitch! They ripped off T2!!!,” then I got a little louder and said, “That’s just bullshit!!” People laughed, but still… paraphrasing can be plagarism too! If I decided to make a movie and end it with a bunch of soldiers being guests of honor in a tree-fort manned by teddy bears, the fans of Return of the Jedi would have my head (and Lucas would have my house).

Argh… I know Hollywood is out of ideas, but damnit people! How about hiding the blatant ripoffs huh?

I don’t really watch A&E all that much as it’s normally a little too highbrow for me. On those rare occasions, I would catch a Biography here or there, but that was it. Having said that, I caught some print ads in one magazine or another that I take the time to read for a show that just piqued my interest. That show? Rollergirls.

I remember when I was growing up, there was this really bad Roller-Derby / Pro-Wrestling / Drama hybrid that aired on Saturday nights on a local channel here in the Philadelphia TV Market. I cannot remember what it was called for the life of me, but allow me to slip away and see if I can Google it really quickly…

Aha! Google never fails to solve my queries… the show was called Rollergames and it was exactly how I described it. Anyway, after that lapse, Rollergirls isn’t anywhere close to Rollergames. Like I said earlier, the 1990s telelvision show was nothing but fluff with a heavily staged action portion whereas this current show is mostly behind-the-scenes material with the bout (roller-derby speak for “match”) at the end of the show. Much like in the vein of The Osbournes or any other non-gaming reality show, Rollergirls bases much of the hour on the interpersonal relationships between the 5 teams of girls involved in the TXRD (which I believe stands for Texas Roller Derby) and was taped last year chronicling the 2005 TXRD season (the 2006 season is currently underway).

The teams involved in this roller-coaster ride are:The Cherry Bombs, The Hellcats, The Holy Rollers, The Putas del Fuego, and The Rhinestone Cowgirls. Hot huh? As I just recently found out, the Roller-Derby girls (all girls by the way… no guys. Yet another difference from that horrible Rollergames show of my childhood) have distinct names and are entered into a nationwide database so that no other girl in any league across the country can copy another’s name. Going even further, if a new girl chooses a name even close to an existing name, she must petetion the veteran for the use of that name. This is some serious business boys and girls! So women such as Sister Mary Jane, Cha-Cha, Venis Envy, Punky Bruiser, Chola, Catalac, and Miss Conduct are established as, well basically, trademarks.

So with all that known, why wouldn’t you watch it? There’s a new episode every Monday night at 10pm (which means I DVR the late replay at 2am due to a conflict with CSI: Miami), but A&E replays it throughout the week. The best part is that this show has opened me up to thinking that I would actually enjoy going to a local bout… which is good because there are a few Philadelphia-based leagues I could see. The only struggle would be to drag some friends with me to see it. Let’s see how open-minded they are

If you’re interested, the TXRD website is at http://www.txrd.com. I think it’s definitely something to watch at least once. Me? I’ve got a crush on Sister Mary Jane.

So there’s this little show on FOX television called 24. When it was first advertised, people wondered what the hell the plot was all about. A 24-episode show broken up into real-time segments? You mean we’re going to be watching a single day in the lives of a group of individuals trying to stop a terrorist attack? Well that should be mildly interesting, but it won’t work for a second season!

My how wrong we all were. But why does it work? We do live in that “Post-9/11″ world that politicians and the press are fond of reminding us and we, as Americans, know what Terrorist Attacks are, but why do we tune in to that show in droves?

Two words: Jack Bauer

We watch the news, we hear the rhetoric spewed forth by the politically correct politicians about how we must stay the course and be a shining example of this or that. We citizens feel handcuffed by this whole “good-guy” routine. Leaving the whole polarizing Bush presidency in the background, we can’t just send someone into downtown Middle-Eastern Town with a backpack nuke ya know? So who do we look to for this retribution? That rogue agent everyone loves so much. That’s right folks: Jack.

We love Jack because he is the ultimate fuck-you to authority. He doesn’t follow the rules he needs to break. He doesn’t have that moment of “Oh gosh… I really shouldn’t do this” while someone is being tortured. Jack is decisive and he does what he does because he is taking care of the country. How many viewers wish there were agents like that working in the U.S. Government? Those people who don’t even blink before taking a terrorist suspect and hooking them up to a makeshift electric chair? Look at what Jack has done in the past 5 seasons! He’s killed more men than cancer! He’s shot a government witness, took a hacksaw to his head, and presented it to another criminal to get in undercover. He’s hooked himself on drugs to infiltrate a cartel. He’s cut off his partner’s hand to disconnect him from a bomb. He complied with a terrorist by blowing the head off his boss. He was about to toss a terrorist’s daugher into a contaminated area to get him to talk. He turned a simple lamp into a torture device using nothing more than the cord, an outlet, and some water. The man is going to hell but we’re cheering him all along the way. Hell, he even told a 15 year old boy this season “The only reason you’re still conscious is because I don’t feel like carrying you.”

That man is not to be screwed with!!! But we embrace him because we see someone doing the best thing in the worst possible way, but that worst way gets the results we desire. It’s like being in bed with Satan to get to Heaven. In any case, it’s amazing how it remains one of the biggest hits on television despite the morally objectionable (at best) lead character. Out of the 4 complete seasons and the first 5 hours this year, I’ve missed a total of 11 minutes (fucking NFC Playoff game) and I don’t plan on missing any more. It’s him who I want to protect me. It’s Jack I want between me and the bad guys. It’s that fantasy that I think is more reality than the PC people want to believe it is and, truthfully, I’m glad of that.

I’ve been craving Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwiches lately. I haven’t had one in many, MANY years but over the past week I have seriously had a yen for them. The English Department Chair had one today and I said to myself: That’s it… I’m getting the necessary ingredients today after work. I mean, let’s face facts, if you have opposable thumbs, you can make a PB&J. My recipe is very, very basic. 2 slices of bread and you spread the peanut butter on one side of each slice. Then you either spoon / pry / squeeze the jelly onto one of the peanut-buttered slices. Smash the other slice on top and voila! It’s a comfort food I think. Maybe it’s because it brings you back to a simpler time when there were no obligations in your life other than “remember to pull pants down before going potty.” It’s a kid food! It’s designated a sandwhich for the simple reason that it contains two pieces of bread, but it’s all sugar and processed stuff. It also gave birth to “The Fluffernutter” (read the description of PB&J again and substitute Marshmallow Fluff for Jelly) and the ever-popular “sugar-bread sandwich” (which was a shitload of sugar between two slices of buttered toast; it was borne from the sugared-cinnamon toast actually). In any case, it is a kid’s food I crave.

Of course when I’m sick, nothing is better than Campbell’s Tomato Soup and oyster crackers. THAT, my friends, is a true comfort food. When I’m sick I’m practically salivating over just heating that muck up!

In any case… I want a PB&J. I know there are a lot of people who eat them and they do them all different ways, so feel free to leave your overly complicated recipes in the comments section for the world to enjoy.

Well I got half of my Super Bowl that I wanted. See, I hate Pittsburgh. No, I don’t hate the city or the people, I just hate one specific person who loved the Steelers. He was a thorn in my paw for many years in high-school and I just cannot bring myself to ever root for them. Natch, I was rooting for Denver who got destroyed. Carolina I don’t hate either… I don’t hate the city, the people, or anyone who likes them that I know of, but I’m still bitter about them beating the Eagles a few years ago, so I was hoping for Seattle this year (who, incidentally crushed the Eagles this year, but that’s neither here nor there). In any case here comes Super Bowl XL (40) and I’m sure everyone will be approached soon to enter a pool of some sort for the game. Whether that pool is a list of “who will do this first” questions ranging from the National Anthem to the first commercials. Oh yeah… the game is involved too. Then you have the ever popular “block pool” contests. Those are the ones that usually provide the most confusion as people get creative with the “reverse” and the “double-up” and all that crap.

In any case, it’s going to be a fun few betting weeks for the morally depraved of us all. It’s not going to be a huge deal around this area because Philly has been out of it forever, but hey: I’m sure a lot of us will be putting their faith behind Pittsburgh to win. I have no idea what the spread is but I would really enjoy seeing Joey Porter get knocked ass-over-head and possibly suffering a career-ending injury while simultaneously severing his vocal-cords. Nothing that will kill him or make the rest of his life physically painful, but enough to keep him out of the press and shut that big fucking trap of his. What an annoying dipshit he is. Go Seattle!

So tonight was my sister & her fiancee’s wedding shower (actually, I think it was the second one) and it is probably the first (or second) of many. Actually… is an engagement party a wedding shower? What makes a shower v. a party? I’m kind of confused about that whole thing being straight and all. In any case, it was a lot of fun and there was some great food and some great people. I got to talk to my pseudo-cousin Chris and his wife Kelly most of the night, but I also spent a lot of time talking to Rob & Rebecca and my cousins who showed up. It was quite nice actually. I left as they were opening gifts (incurring the wrath of Lauren who flew in from San Diego for this), but I was damned tired. I mean really… I woke up early, ran an errand, worked, had lunch, worked some more, showered, and then went to this party. Other than the driving, I think I sat down a total of 10 minutes from 2pm until about 10:45pm. My dogs were barkin’ babies!

Tomorrow morning I get to go with my buddy Brian to his sister’s engagement party / birthday party. Should definitely be an interesting time… I’d love to go into details, but I don’t think I really can at this point. It’s not because I’m sworn to secrecy, but it’s one of those things that isn’t about me so I can’t just spill everything without conscience. Let’s just say that there is a sitcom episode that could be written out of this thing. Quite frightening.

But that’s pretty much the grand deal of things this weekend. I got to see some of Colleen’s old friends from high school and college (one of whom actually reads my site! Kickin’ ass Jenny!) and now I see my couch giving me that “come to me” stare that it does when I hallucinate due to the extreme exhaustion. It’s just past 11pm and I figure I’ve got about an hour before I’m dead to the world. Long about 3am I’ll wake up and drag my ass upstairs to bed, but hey: It’s just the way I roll.

Before I forget, everyone take those well-wishes that you were giving me when I was looking for a job and direct them to my girl Karen. She found out, much like I did 6 months ago, that her company is closing and she’ll need to find other employment. The only difference between our situations is that she acutally liked her job AND her boss. That sucks… My lay-off was easier in that I was employed by a bunch of crooks and assholes, so it wasn’t like I was emotionally distraught. I was just pissed I didn’t have any money. However Karen likes both her job and the employer, so I wish her all the best in finding her pot o’ gold at the end of her employment rainbow. That and she’s tending to a sick 4 year old tonight. Good luck K!

So I watched American Idol last night featuring the Denver, Colorado cattle-call and I did see Kayte (yes… I misspelled her name previously… I take no blame because I’m just that way) for a split-second. I suffered through numerous horrendous auditions and several very scary applicants for a shot of Kayte jumping up after they told her she won. If you watched, she was the one with the red hat at the very end. It was just her jumping up because she didn’t have enough time to actually land again before they cut to another person.

The good news is that I don’t have to watch the rest of the audition shows. I can’t tell you how happy that makes me! It was quite frightening to catch all of these people trying to sing. It was even more frightening that they all thought they were great. I’ll admit, I was in choir when I was younger and I had a pretty decent voice, but then puberty set in and it dropped a few octaves. Now I’m the best singer in the world… when I’m alone in my car. I’m not dumb enough to think my warbling renditions of rock songs I blare in the Mazda qualify me to be adored by millions. Hell, it’s not enough to be adored by ones! That’s realism folks!

Yes ladies and gents… it’s time once again for the people of this great nation (and, apparently, The Ukraine) to band together and pretend they can sing. It’s interactive karaoke. It’s embarrassment on parade. It’s American Idol on FOX-TV!

But Bill, you may be asking yourself, why in God’s name are you even concerned about this abomination of television? Good question! It deserves a good answer and here it is:

I went to grade-school with a guy named Pat. His older brothers all went to school with my older cousins. His younger sister went to school with my younger sister. Needless to say, our families are intertwined. Katie (the younger Kelly girl) has a fantastic voice and I remember seeing her as Becky Thatcher in the Delaware Children’s Theatre production of Tom Sawyer. After that she joined chorus/choir and kept singing. Flash-forward to 2006 and I hear through the familial grapevine that little Katie (now in her late 20s) not only auditioned for American Idol, but made the first cuts to get to Hollywood.

Having only seen a grand total of 5 minutes of this show since it’s been on the air (and, coincidentally, it was the actual first-run of that William Hung guy singing “She Bangs.” Give me a break… I was waiting for 24 to come on!), I have no idea what the rules or structure is. From what I could glean, there are these huge cattle calls in several United States cities and the three judges pick 32 people (I think) from these thousands of hopefuls to head to Hollywood for the actual live shows. So apparently Katie made that first hurdle but the bitch of it is that I have no idea which city she auditioned in! That means I need to DVR all audition shows and just fast-forward until I see her. Then I can watch and kill the rest. It’s a family thing guys… you do what you’ve got to do here.

***Edit: Katie apparently auditioned in Denver, CO and that show will air on Wednesday the 18th of January at 8pm EST on FOX***

In any case, that’s that. I know there are a bunch of girls I know who love this show and, even after learning my lesson with the whole Garden State debacle last year, I just can’t understand why people like this show. It’s nothing more than people trying to embarrass themselves on national television! They KNOW they will be torched by that British guy Simon! I just can’t understand it. Oh well… maybe I’ll get lucky and manage to spot Katie in the next couple shows so I can skip the rest until the live shows start to air.

In any case: Good Luck Katie.

I was driving home the other day and saw that a car had rear-ended another car at the stop light on Union Street where it crosses Lancaster Pike. Okay… other than a lane-change, not a problem. While I was stuck at the light I, of course, surveyed the scene and saw that the rear-ender’s front plate was laying beneath the rear-ended car. The plate? A smiley-face.

It just struck me so damned funny that I had to take a picture. Please forgive my finger obscuring the bottom of the image… it’s a camera-phone people! I’m not friggin Ansel Adams with a Motorola!

So here I am, at a job I love, for the past 7 weekdays and I have one complaint: My desktop background doesn’t save with my computer profile.

Let that absorb into your head for a sec.

That is my ONLY complaint.

If you’ve been reading this BLOG for a while now, you know that I’m not shy on the complaints when I have them. Lord knows I kvetched about Hell-Company for long enough! That is my one and only complaint about my current job: The stupid desktop image. I love the work. I love the people. I love the students (but not love the students you damn fools). I love the commute. I love everything about this place so far. It’s where I am supposed to be.

Other than that it’s just been routine for me. I started the second semester of my Cisco certification class (which, all of a sudden, it really doesn’t seem to important to be certified) and I’ve picked up some extra hours at the Wine Store. I’ll be settling into my schedule next week and I’ll be able to go back to the Concord Pike YMCA soon and use my iPod Nano that Stephen & Colleen got for my Christmas Present. It’s sweet!

Needless to say, I’m pretty happy throughout right now. My friend Fran told me last night “I hate to say this but it IS really noticable how much better of a mood you are in since you aren’t working at that other job anymore.” Sad realization, but wonderful feeling now!