bjciii: My twisted thoughts

I got to go to my first Flyers game in a long, long while last night. God I missed the klaxon horn and the smell of the ice and the drunken asshole spilling cheap beer on Erin… no, scratch that last part. It was still a great, great time. The Flyers won 3-2 and then, in a “preview” of how games will be determined this year, there was a 3-person shoot-out at the end. Basically the NHL changed their policy of tie games. There are no more tie games. It used to be 3 periods of hockey, then an OT period. If the score was tied, it was 1 point to each team and registered as a tie. Now, it’s 3 periods of hockey then an OT period. If it’s still tied at that point, we have a 3-on-3 shootout (1 player v. 1 goalie, then the other team goes). If it’s still tied at that point, it’s a sudden-death shootout and the first team to score will get the full 2 points for the win, the other team will get 1 point for the loss.

It doesn’t matter… I am so glad hockey is back. I didn’t even mind the parking mess!!!

Went to a job fair 2 days ago and it reminded me why I didn’t look at them before. I got all dolled up (you know… shaved, showered, suited) and drove into the BankOne Riverfront Centre for the job fair. Once inside I realized that no one really cared about Information Technology people. They were looking for people to answer phones or clean or file or other tasks that I’m definitely capable of doing, but not wanting to do in the least. In any case, no one wants to hire people for jobs they are overqualified for because they don’t want to spend time and money to train you only for you to leave and get a better job after a month. MBNA even went so far as to say “Well, we won’t hire you in IT, but here’s a pencil!” That’s not a lie. It really happened. That was the low-point of the day.

Other than that I had a great birthday weekend. My mom and dad had some of my old friends over for dinner along with my grandmother and some uncles and aunts, so that was really fun. Really nothing much else to report on my life. Still looking for a job and I’m planning on going to Maryland soon to visit some beautiful ladies I know down there who I promised a visit, but can’t seem to coordinate a good time with them. Should be fun I guess! Anyway folks… talk soon.

Tuesday September 23rd, 1975 at 14:16 EDT in Wilmington, DE I was born. Apparently I kept my mother up all night in labor because she called me up this morning at the crack of 7 and said “30 years ago I didn’t sleep either, so you better wake up!” Isn’t she sweet? Never content to just say happy birthday. Of course the first couple of years weren’t fun for anyone due to my heart condition, but I made it through. Funny about that because the doctors said that I wouldn’t live more than a few weeks and then I wouldn’t live past 3, then 10. Eventually they just gave up on that and said I’d never reach my “full growth potential.” God I love proving people wrong.

So many things have happened in my life and not all of them great, but nowhere near all of them horrible. I’m very lucky to have the family I have and the friends that I have. No matter how many people gasp at the size of my DVD collection, I’m much more proud of my collection of friends and loved ones. In 30 years I have the most wonderful groups of friends and the best family that anyone could have. Everytime something bad happens, I’m reminded just how they all rally around to make sure something good comes out of it. You think I’m the only one looking for a job right now? I have about 3 dozen people checking the want-ads for me everyday in case I miss something. I’m lucky. I also wouldn’t change anything that’s ever happened because it’s made me who I am today and I’m happy with who I am right now.

So thank you to everyone who’s been a part of the first 30 years. I’d list off names, but there’s a 100% certainty that I’d miss tons and I don’t want to offend anyone. Let’s just say thanks and be done with it okay?

When I was growing up, I was scared of the dark. I guess a lot of kids were, but I think I gave a little more thought to what might be in the dark rather than just the fact that I was blind without light. I read a lot and I started really early with those books, so maybe that had something to do with it. Everytime I would get one of those weird back pinches like your nerve just was laid on the wrong way? I thought it was Dracula hiding under my bed trying to get me to run so he could get me easier. What is it with kids thinking that, as long as they stay in bed, nothing can get them? Maybe it’s the fact that mommy & daddy tucked you in and that made you feel safe; safe like you had a protective charm or something. Interesting. Unfortunately, pop culture played just as much of a role in my fear as literature… I distinctly remember one night I could have sworn The Incredible Hulk was hiding in my closet waiting to get me. This was back in the late 70s/early 80s, so we’re not talking about the CGI/video-game Hulk. We’re talking Lou Ferrigno in red contacts and green body paint Hulk. Anyone who remembers that show knows just how fucking frightening he was to a single-digit kid! I remember going on a Scout camping trip and I was absolutely terrified to step outside the cabin to take a leak. It was so bad that I begged another kid to stand right around the corner with a flashlight while I pissed (around the corner folks… this ain’t one of those stories!). I made a choice that night to not be scared anymore… it was too embarrassing.

I used to sleep with a radio on or a night-light somewhere, but after that weekend, I tried to kill the light. I figured that (in my primitive mind… I was still a kid ya know) the more I sunk myself into the dark, the less afraid I’d get. I think Psychologists call it “Immersion Therapy” now, but it was the same idea. The radio or sound-machine (I use one of those white-noise machines now and have ever since college… it’s soothing) distracted from the inky blackness around me. If I could hear something, I knew I wasn’t dead. Make sense? The light though? Yeah… I killed that shit. It was around this time that all my friends and a lot of girls I was interested in started watching horror movies. I remember avoiding watching Children of the Corn at Lois Healy’s house while her daughters were in there screaming about how scary it was. I walked into the living room and sat there for 90 minutes just trying to entertain myself. What a schmuck! After that I forced myself to read Stephen King and Dean Koontz. I forced myself to watch movies that I would have never watched before. It was that immersion therapy again, so I was used to the sleepless nights. It was definitely a trying period for a little while. Of course I couldn’t tell anyone because this was one of those things you did alone ya know?

So here I am on the eve of my 30th thinking about fear. I still, before going to bed, check my closet for intruders and I cannot sleep if that closet door is not closed. Even though I lock the front door before I go inside for the night, I always have to double-check before I go to bed. The dark doesn’t scare me anymore, but I’m still thinking too much of what can be in the dark. It’s not so much Dracula or The Hulk anymore because I doubt Vlad hangs in Wilmington and I’m pretty damned sure I’d hear Banner tromping about in the house, unfortunately in today’s world I’m more sure I’ll see some demented crack-head or a fugitive trying to escape capture. It’s not debilitating anymore, just habit. I guess that’s a step in the right direction right? I’m not afraid of dying though… never have been. I think I’m just afraid of the pain associated with getting to the death itself. I don’t know if that’s weird or not. I’ve always faced death since I was REALLY young, so the end-of-life thing isn’t a worry for me. I just want to go in a painless way. Maybe that’s why the dark freaked me out so much… it was unknown and I really need to know what’s going on; it’s one of my little quirks.

So that’s that. I just felt that, after the countless minute (my-NOOT) details of my life, you should get some real insight for once. So that’s my fear, however as Buddy used to say on Night Court:

But I’m feeling much better now!

So I’ll be 30 in about 46 hours time and, in those (almost) 30 years, I don’t remember Hurricanes with names much past “H” ya know? Our next hurricane? It’s “Rita” and it’s going to hit Texas soon. A plus? It just upgraded to a Category 5. An R-Named hurricane… that’s 17 named storms (they skipped “Q,” but it would have been a female name which might have made Rita a Richard or something like that…) that have attracted NOAA attention. I found out that once Hurricane Wilma (they also skip “U,” “X,” “Y,” and “Z”) goes through and they have to name Hurricanes still? That’s right people… off to the Greek Alphabet! The good news is that, if a “W” comes up next year, well… I’d like you all to welcome Hurricane William! Hurricane Bill won’t be named again until 2009, but I can wait if you can! Last time we had a “Bill” blow through it was a really weak Tropical Storm that barely knocked a bananna off a tree. Color me pissed off about that!

Anyway, I know I’ve said a lot of bad things about Texas and Texans (and people of Texas? It’s nothing personal… just some bad associations with certain members of your society), but I really hope they are prepared for Rita. I feel bad for Florida who gets drilled every single year but usually gets no press for it unless it’s huge. Last year they got hit with 4 or 5 straight Cat-3s right? We used them as a punchline. Sorry Florida.

So to sum up: Keep your prayers up for Texas because if Rita is as bad of a bitch as Ophelia was to Lousiana and Mississippi, then they’re gonna need some help too. Just because people don’t lose their tops in Texas for cheap plastic beads doesn’t mean they aren’t worth it either!

Show: Kitchen Confidential
Channel: FOX
Airing: Monday nights at 8:30/9:30c
Premise: A disgraced elite former head chef (Bradley Cooper) returns to the kitchen of an upstart posh restaurant. Bringing a cast of characters (including another Buffy Alum, Nicholas Brendon) he makes the best of this second chance.
Thoughts: I love sitcoms with no laugh-track. The laugh-track is like a Nazi propaganda invention telling you what you should find funny. This show has no laugh-track. This show has a lot of laughing though! Maybe it’s because I think Gordon Ramsay is pretty much a god among chefs or because I dig the Buffy alums, but this show is definitely on a FauxVO series recording. Apparently it’s a sitcom based on the biography of the REAL Bourdain (also called Kitchen Confidential) and he promises that while not everything happened to him, everything has happened in the kitchen of some restaurant or another. Definitely something to keep watching!
Outlook: As with How I Met Your Mother, this show’s only real competetion is that aforementioned CBS sitcom. I see FOX keeping it around for a long time because it will serve as a completely perfect lead-in for the next season of Hell’s Kitchen with Gordon Ramsay. That, coupled with the fact that it’s brilliant, will definitely push this one over the top.

Show: How I Met Your Mother
Channel: CBS
Airing: Monday nights at 8:30/9:30c
Premise: Everything is told in flashback in the voice of Bob “Innocent in Full House yet deliciously dirty in The Aristocrats” Saget about a 52 year old man telling his two children the story of how he met their mom.
Thoughts: The only reason I even bothered watching this was because Alyson Hannigan is in it. I do dig Doogie though because Neil Patrick Harris is hysterical! But mostly because of Alyson Hannigan. It’s kitchy and stupid and has a hundred cringe-worthy moments in the last 10 minutes, but it’s sweet enough to entice a lot of women to watch the show while their husbands are gearing up for Monday Night Football.
Outlook: Since it’s up against an unproven drama on NBC, an unproven sitcom on FOX, and whatever ABC uses to lead into Monday Night Football, I don’t see this having much in the way of competetion. I think it’s going to last a while, but I doubt I’ll make time to watch it as I can get Alyson Hannigan with all my Buffy DVDs that I have right?

We’re all friends here right? I mean, I can ask you a question and I’ll get your honest answer, right? Well here is the question:

As I was getting my unemployment benefits ready and beginning to do my homework for my class tonight, I had the TV on. What was on HBO? Batman & Robin. Now really folks… is there any worse movie in the history of mankind?

George Clooney, Uma Thurman, Arnold Schwartzenegger, and a (then red-hot) Alicia Silverstone. Chris O’Donnell and Elle MacPherson were in it too, but they weren’t top-level back then. All that star-wattage and the movie suffered and died like a puppy struck by a Hummer! It should prove to everyone that, just because you spend $60 million on your “stars,” you better have a decent script! You must be new in town dear. Here, in Gotham, Batman and Robin protect us! Lord. Shoot me now! Batman pulling out a Batman credit-card to pay for something? Nipples on the Batsuits?!? If anyone wants to see how far a franchise can fall under the wrong leadership (and yes, I’m talking to you Schumacher!), witness Tim Burton’s 1989 flagship Batman! Michael Keaton, Kim Bassinger, and Jack. It was a dark city with dark characters and dark ideas. Batman Returns had a possibility of craptacularness, but Burton kept it reigned in a little bit! Keaton, Christopher Walken, Michelle Pfieffer, and Danny DeVito ran this one. The bad part about this movie is that it started the “dual villan” trend in the franchise. Joker, Penguin, and Catwoman in the first two, so who was left for the next movies? The Riddler & Two-Face came next, both upper-tiered villans played by upper-tiered actors in a badly scripted movie. Also, Keaton wisened up and bolted the Batcave to let Val Kilmer move in. He was a decent Batman, but the script was severely lacking. Schumacher decided to make it bigger and brighter which, ultimately, doomed the whole kit and caboodle. The final nail in the coffin was the movie that I was speaking about to start this whole thing.

So I challenge you, my readers from all over the world (and I’m not being arrogant here people… I really do have non-Americans that read this), to leave comments telling everyone about a movie you’ve come up with where the stars involved should have made it a great film, but the script or direction doomed it to pop-culture fodder! I expect to see Mongoose, France, and Tim chiefly among the people answering, but I also would love to hear from Jal because she definitely has seen movies too. C’mon people… the challenge has been issued!!!

New Trivia posted on main page… if you don’t know how to get to the main page by now, you really shouldn’t be allowed on the internet.

Show: Threshold
Channel: CBS
Airing: Friday nights at 9/8c
Premise: Guess what? Aliens have invaded. They started by screwing with 17 Naval men in the Atlantic Ocean (80 miles off Maryland) and now they are slowly mutating humanity. A worst-case scenario planner from a thinktank is put in charge when one of her contingency plans (named “Threshold”) happens to come true. Yup, this plan was about aliens invading.
Thoughts: Eh. Another typical alien show that is trying to be more dire than entertaining, but it has its moments. What are those moments? 3 characters. Peter Dinklage plays a linguist who happens to be a small-person. Brent Spiner plays a biologist with a strong anti-government background. Finally Brian Van Holt (a favorite of mine since Confidence) plays a “ghost-military” guy who is in charge of keeping the main characters alive. Sure, Carla Gugino is in here too, but she really doesn’t do too much character-wise for me. The funny part is that William Mapother is in this “War of the Worlds” type show when his cousin is in the actual cinematic remake of “War of the Worlds” so it looks like alien-invasion is a family affair! Yes, Mapother’s cousin is none other than Scientology’s poster-boy Tom Cruise.
Outlook: Well Friday nights are usually a dead zone for television shows, especially those airing between 9pm and 11pm (which is the later prime-time). Why is that? Most people spend the 8o’clock hour getting ready to go out and have fun after 9pm. Only the hard-core geeks and losers are home on Friday nights, so only shows with a high dork factor seem to do well in those time-slots. Don’t believe me? A little show called The X-Files ring any bells? And no… it wasn’t always on Sunday nights folks. It cultivated an audience with the lonely Friday no-daters and then, after it gained notoriety, it was moved to Sundays. If CBS can wait out the initial culturing of this thing, there could be a chance. However since television executives suffer from notoriously short attention-spans, I think this has an outside shot of lasting a dozen episodes.