bjciii: My twisted thoughts

I had a dream last night. As usual there were elements that made zero sense, but the feeling I had was amazing. I had a son; he was a pudgy little guy with dark black hair and didn’t speak, but he smiled and drooled and loved his daddy. I brought him into work with me and everyone cooed over him for a bit. Then pigs arrived and were walking through the office, but that is neither here nor there. I had a son though. He cried only once and was just so inquisitive about everything. One of the best dreams I’ve ever had. I guess that’s why I was so disappointed when I woke up today, but I didn’t figure it out until I was in the shower. How can people not want children? I can’t understand it for the life of me. Mine was a dream son and I can’t tell you how wonderful it felt to hold him and to look into his eyes… I can’t imagine what the real thing will be like. I have friends who have children and I never EVER thought they’d make good dads, but something happens when you have a kid: You care. I’ve seen these guys turn into different people (and not in a bad way). So you hear the excuses that “Oh… I’d never be a good parent” or “It’s too much responsibility for me” and I want to scream at them. All I have ever wanted was a family. I love my mom, dad, and sister more than life itself and I want to expand that family with one of my own. I guess I’m pretty feminine in that respect huh? Oh well… sue me. It was a great dream though.

Morning. How is it that I can drink and drink and drink and still make it in to work on time? There are nights I don’t do anything but sit on the couch and play guiter, get to bed early and STILL be late to work the next day. Get me drinking the night before and I’m always on time. Sad ain’t it? Well I went to Newark, DE last night and yes… I still despise that town. I drank at Kate’s with two ladies I know and they failed to follow through on their promise of taking advantage of me. I’m quite disappointed in that! No one knows the value of a promise anymore and it’s a shame that the moral fiber of America is suffering because I didn’t get molested last night. It’s okay though! I’ll survive… somehow. Anyway, in the real world, there’s this new website I came across (Thanks Drew Curtis!) called Operation: Take One For The Country. God bless America and good, old-fashioned sex! Makes me want to up and join the Marines! So what is up in MY world today… well, let’s see. I’ve got to meet with a buddy of mine to surpass my computer skills in terms of my sister’s PC. I’ve got a guitar lesson with another buddy of mine, and I have got to fit in The Flyers game somehow. I’m a busy boy. Of course I’m working all day, so that’s also there. Mom & Dad are leaving in a couple days for another jaunt to Ireland. I’m happy for them… they need to relax. Shit, *I* need to relax! Someone send ME to Alaska! Alright… the crowd is beginning to file into work and my utopia has been breached once again. Time to run to the light.

Yo. So here we are on a dreary Monday and I’m actually awake and happy. Sure, I’d like to be in bed sleeping still, but I’m not actually upset to not be. Interesting ain’t it? I had a busy weekend and I’m feeling a tad bit better. I’m still not ready to eat anything real heavy or drink anything alcoholic, but I’m sure a few soups and soft shit wouldn’t hurt much. I won’t be kicking the bucket anytime soon however… at least not medically. I can’t help what the crazies on the road will do, but I hope to make it from Point A to Point B everytime I get behind the wheel. So what does my day have in store for me now… more projects (which I do love… seriously, I do. They make my day go so much faster) and more work. I just love my life sometimes. I mean, I am not bound by anything! Think about it… conventional laws state: Stop at red lights, don’t speed, use your turning indicator when changing lanes, dispose of trash in the provided bins, don’t steal, blah-blah-biddy-blah! What REALLY happens if you speed? Sometimes you get caught and get a ticket, but the majority of the time you don’t. We are humans with free will and that means, despite the old saying about taxes, there is only ONE definite in this life: Death. Everything else is up to you to write. Philosophical no? I do so enjoy the mind-benders. BTW… Shanna told me I have to date a redheaded female midget. Anyone know of any?

Simeon Rice can suck my chiseled ass! Piece of shit! God he has now entered the triumverate of most hated sports personalities… and may have leapt to #1 with a bullet! So there is a man named Pat Tillman. He graduated from Arizona State with a damn fine GPA and went to play Safety for the Arizona Cardinals of the NFL. Then September 11th, 2001 occurred. What does Pat do? He turns DOWN a $3.6 MILLION offer and joins the Army… for $18,000 a year. THAT is a good guy. Does that fat piece of shit Simeon Rice think so? Nope. What did he say to Jim Rome on a NATIONALLY broadcast interview? “He really wasn’t that good, not really,” Rice said. “He was good enough to play in Arizona, [but] that’s just like the XFL.” Let’s see your chicken-fried ass make it in the Army pal! You fat fuck. He could have taken the easy way out and written a little check to the 9-11 fund or something, but he AND his brother both left their jobs and families to join The Army. Not even JUST The Army folks, The Army RANGERS. So Simeon Rice, to protect his image of himself decided to deride this patriot on television. Why is this bothering me? CNN.com & ESPN.com report that Pat Tillman, Army Ranger and former NFL Arizona Cardinal who left a very lucrative contract to serve his country, died in Afghanistan today during a heavy firefight. Fuck you Simeon… you couldn’t be HALF the man Pat Tillman was if you spent the rest of your miserable life trying.

This goes out to anyone out there who doesn’t believe in war: Fine. Don’t believe in it. Protest the government and protest the conflict, but don’t EVER let me catch you pulling that Vietnam shit where you get on the soldiers for doing their job protecting you. EVER. United States soldiers, be they Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, or Coast Guard, do an unenviable task of defending OUR freedoms when we can’t do it ourselves. You are allowed to protest because THEY are out there protecting that right. Anyone who feels that they are “shock-troops” for an evil government can kiss my ass. They are tools of freedom and they are the best damn tools in the entire world. My father was a U.S. Marine. My grandfather flew for the U.S. Air Force. My cousin is currently a U.S. Marine and I’m prouder than hell of ALL of them for the sacrifices they made to keep us safe. So to people like Simeon Rice, that huge fucking coward, and you protesters that scream hateful things at our men & women in the Armed Services I give you a rather large: Fuck You.

You know those lines stamped on all perishable items? Those “Best If Used By” dates? I think I’ve passed mine. Once again I’m broken and there’s nothing I did that did it and there’s nothing that I didn’t do that I should have done to prevent it. Think of it as that lone bird dive-bombing your freshly-washed car on a lovely summer afternoon; you didn’t ask for it and you can’t stop it from happening. I used to have all these grandiose plans for the future ya know? I was going to find the woman who could stand me, get married, have kids, be a successful novelist, co-own a bar, you know… the fun stuff. The more days pass now, however, the more I get the feeling none of that’s gonna happen. I guess I always thought that way and that’s why I’ve always been so laid-back about things. Funny huh? If you don’t think you’re going to live a long time, why bother stressing out over stupid shit? Love your family and friends and enjoy your life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not dying today, but sometimes I get the feeling I am not going to be around much longer. I’ve defied medical science for 28 years now and I just think my luck may be running out. Hopefully I’ll have a lot of luck left, but if not, I’m happy with myself. I’ve played the game of life as best I could and I really am not regretful of ANYTHING I’ve ever experienced.

Enough of that maudlin shit now… like I said, I ain’t dying now, but I’m allowed to say whatever I want right? Damn right. So what is GOOD right now? The Flyers play Toronto tonight in Round 2 of the NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs. I’ll be dropping a LOT of weight soon since I’m back on a clear-liquid diet again. My family loves me and so do most of my friends. And the best thing? I’m me and you’re not. Mmm-mmm… bitch! Oh yeah, I’ve got the love of my dog and that’s the warmest feeling you could ever have. Good shit!

Ah four-twenty… even as someone who’s never directly smoked pot, I know this is a holiday for those hippie bastards who get toked as if their religion demanded it. This day is also infamous for 3 tragic events: Hitler was born, Columbine happened, and Carmen Electra was born… not in that order of course. I don’t mean to make light of Columbine because it WAS tragic. What was more tragic is that the parents tried to blame everyone else for what happened and refused to accept any portion of the blame for themselves. Bah I say. I had a rough time in high school too and I never brought in artillery! Why? My parents brought me up right. But that’s neither here nor there right now. So today is the almighty “420″ and hippie potheads are using that as another excuse to toke up. BFD. I’m Irish so does that mean I’m genetically required to be at EVERY happy hour? No. Excuses, excuses, excuses… take responsibility!!! I screwed up yesterday afternoon at work by forgetting to close something out. I was called on it this morning. Did I say “Oh… that was so and so’s fault?” Hell no. I shot an e-mail to the parties and said “My bad. I completely flaked on it.” I got slapped a little, but they understood I wouldn’t let it happen again because I owned up to it without a second’s hesitation. THAT is how you deal with problems people: Face them head-on! Don’t weasel your way out of things! Then again, I have a lot of practice because I screw up a lot! Oh, has anyone else been enjoying the weather? Holy fucking shit Batman… it’s gorgeous outside! I mean DAYUM! A few degrees cooler and you could just stick the switch to permanent ON for me. Pretty soon people will be flocking to Newark to oogle all of the co-eds lying out on the mall and the beach in their bikinis. I don’t like the traffic, so I just look at online porn. Oh wait! No I don’t! I’m religious! I don’t do anything THAT depraved… okay. Anyway… Time to get back to work… breaktime is over. Enjoy the day folks. Be talking to you shortly.

And I’ve already been up for 2 and a half hours! Maybe it’s early, or maybe I just don’t care, but someone recently brought my work ethic into question. Seems like a real stupid fucking thing to say after the month I’ve had here at my job! Okay. That’s out and I feel cleansed. So we had this install this morning at 5am and it went well. I’m glad that the people who were in the building with me were the people I enjoy being with. It was nice. Oh yeah, it was actually warm outside too! Go figure. I mean, it’s pitch-black, not even 5am and it’s toasty. You have to remember I’m a polar bear, but still. So here we are and I have my entire weekend in front of me! It’s gonna be lovely. I’ve got a Phillies game on Saturday with the boys and a PPV on Sunday night with the OTHER boys. No early rising at all and I get to kick back and relax like a mutha. So nice. Oh! I made a ton of chili last night too. Smelled so good this morning gurgling in the crock-pot! I dumped an entire bottle of Crystal hot sauce into the mix, so it’s spice-ay! God I love chili. Anyway, enjoy your day and enjoy your weekend because I probably won’t update until Monday… but there’s always a chance of me getting motivated enough to do this from home!!!

Man has it been soggy lately! I love the rain and all, but DAMN! I did take the opportunity to go to Costco last night; it’s amazing how there’s not a ton of people in there on a rainy Tuesday night! Saturdays you’re lucky to get a parking space, last night I pretty much got everything I wanted without a problem! Nice. I found my new night to go shopping! So what else is new in my world? Hmm… good question! I’m working a lot, trying to get things done at the office so I don’t have to spend time feeling guilty about this and that. I ask you, honestly, what the fuck? Jobs suck on the whole and why ANYONE would rather spend their time in their office than at their home or with their friends… well that’s just plain wrong. Yeah, I understand the allure of a job well done and all that happy horseshit, but people… PLEASE LIVE! Bah. Forget it… it seems to be another in a growing list of pet peeves I have. It’s number three on that list behind “Interruptions” and “Lateness.” Switch gears… So what do you do if there’s a woman that you want to ask out, but the complications far outweigh the pleasures? Do you just say “fuck it” and go for the jugular, probably pissing off some friends or do you just forget about it and move on? It’s quite the conundrum! Don’t mistake this for being cowardly or wishy-washy either. I’ve got no problem saying “fuck it” and doing what I want to do (Lord knows I usually take that approach), but this situation is just a tad touchy. Of course it’s not like international espionage or anything, but I think the planning is pretty much the same in terms of background depth!! What’s next? I’m off on Friday, so that’s cool. I might go catch another movie with my buddy Steven. We’ll drink and carry on… maybe drag France along with us (the man, not the country). Oh well… people are starting to arrive at work and I’m probably getting dirty looks putting this entry up (some people here are so damn nosy they can’t help themselves!), so I should go and start getting some stuff done. Have a great one (not a coffee… a great day. Keep up people!).

Mmmm… compensatory day off. Love it… LOVE IT! I think I’m going to see a movie today. Matinee! I had a weekend that both was cool and blew in the same breath. Friday I met with my buddy Steven for a drink (or two) at Catherine Rooney’s and then came home and just relaxed all night. Saturday I was guilted into working in the morning doing an installation and boy-howdee did everything get all fucked. So I was really in a foul mood on Saturday until about 2pm; that’s really not a great way to start a weekend day! So, as soon as everything got un-fucked, I bolted out the door lest the office decided to try and get me to do other things. I was out until after 9 that night, so it was really a good and therapeutic thing to leave for a while. I had a nice cathartic lunch with my boy Dan that day and got to get a lot of venom out. Friends… the ultimate therapist. Anyway, The Flyers won again Saturday night and I was very happy after that. Then Easter was great… a quick aside: Congrats to Jackie H who has become a full-fledged Catholic. Bring on the guilt baby! Now you can joke about priests and altar boys like me! Anyway, Easter was real nice. Spent it with my family and my mom’s family. Friends stopped by and I got to meet Colleen’s new boyfriend. She’s dating a Wilmington Police Officer… Should be interesting to say the least! After that, I went home and slept for about 10 hours. So nice. So what am I going to do today? I think I’m going to see a movie, play with the dog, relax, enjoy, and not think about work at all. Time to go start my day. God I love those days doing absolutely nothing! Maybe I’ll go to an orchard and get a shitload of apples… mmm…

Yawn. I’m really friggin tired. I think I’m going to sleep like a baby tonight. I mean, I have a free night (thank God) and I’m going to veg at home. It will be lovely. I’m actually off on Monday and next Friday, so my next 7 days should be fun. Had a nice time last night going out to eat with a beautiful younger woman (okay… 8 days, BFD). I got lost going to her place, but there’s a big surprise right? That actually brings up a question: Am I some sort of OCD? I have this extreme compulsion to get to places on time. If I am even a minute late, I get pissed off. I got to this girl’s place 10 minutes early and sat in the car for those 10 minutes listening to Nirvana’s “In Utero” watching the clock tick to 7:00. I do that a lot though (not sitting in front of her place, but getting to places early so I won’t be late and just sitting until it’s time) and I don’t know if that’s indicative of some sort of mental disorder. I hate lateness… I think that’s because my parents are most ALWAYS late. Hell, my mom’s dad was even late to his own funeral! I shit you not!! The hearse got caught in traffic or got lost or something, but he was like 15-20 minutes late for the mass. Yeah, it’s funny now, but it’s so like my family! I hate beinglate! I can’t even bring myself to be “fashionably” late and that’s like 15 minutes. Someonetells me “Be here at 7pm” and I’m sitting in my car at 6:50pm waiting for 10 minutes beforeringing the bell. Oh, and if you tell me you’re going to show up at 6:30 and you don’t getthere on time… I seethe. At least call! Damn. Yeah, I have a problem with lateness… Ithink I need to just accept not everyone is as anal as I am about time and get over it. Iknow… I’m going back to Ireland; NO ONE is EVER on time there! You tell your friends tomeet you at 7 and you’re lucky to see them by 8. That’s like immersion-therapy isn’t it? Okwell have a great Holy Weekend and I’ll probably be back next week… unless I win thePowerball… then you’re never going to see me again! Okay… you will. Empty threat…