God how I hate...
Mah frenz... ze Frensh!!

Ze Quotes...

The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee. -- Regis Philbin


I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France! -- Jay Leno



The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag. -- David Letterman



I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me. -- General George S. Patton



France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. -- Mark Twain



France has usually been governed by prostitutes. -- Mark Twain



I just love the French. They taste like chicken! -- Hannibal Lecter



Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion. -- General Norman Schwartzkopf



We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it. -- Marge Simpson



As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure. -- Jacques Chirac, President of France



As far as France is concerned, you're right. -- Rush Limbaugh



The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know. -- P.J. O'Rourke



Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France. -- Unknown



The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq. -- Dennis Miller



What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis? -- Dennis Miller



Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining. -- John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv



You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it. -- John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona



You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people. -- Conan O'Brien

Ze Jokes...

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I too have been blind since birth and also never knew my mother. Tell you what... maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful!" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft, cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, you have a forked tongue, and you have neither backbone nor balls. I'd say you must be French!!!"



Q: What's the shortest book ever written?
A: French War Heroes.



Q: What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
A: How to surrender in at least 10 languages.



Q: What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A: A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.



Q: Why does Nike like the French Army?
A: Because, in war time, they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.



Q: Why did the French celebrate their World Cup Championship in 2000 so wildly?
A: It was their first time they won anything without the help of the U.S.



Q: What's the difference between 1943 and 2003?
A: This time around, the Vichy government is telling the German puppets what to do.



Q: Why do the French Smell?
A: So blind people can hate them too!



Q: Why do the French call their fighter the Mirage?
A: Because it doesn't really exist.



Q: Why do the French have glass bottom boats in their Navy?
A: To see all their other ships.



Q: How did the French react to German reunification?
A: They put up speed bumps at the borders to slow down the panzers.


Q: What do you call a man who only needs body armour on his back?
A: Jacques Chirac



A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression?"
His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"



Q: Why is good to be French?
A: You can surender at the begining of the war, and US will win it for you.



Rumor has it that those French tanks have 6 gears, 5 reverse and 1 forward. Just in case they're attacked from behind, that's where the forward gear comes in handy...



President Bush and the French ambassador to the U.N. were debating the Iraqi crisis. The President tried to explain through an interpreter that if we don't stop Hussein soon, he will obtain nuclear weapons. He further explained that should that happen, any future likely conflict with the madman could result in a bloodbath. The French ambassador, although, did not understand. It seems there is no word for "bath" in French.



Q: How many German and Frenchmen died in World War II?
A: Not Enough.



Q: How any French soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five
One to sit on his butt, watch and do nothing;
The second to turn tail and run;
The third to roll over;
The forth to surrender to the light bulb and snitch out occupied sconces;
And the fifth to pick up a phone and cry to the United States!



Q: What does "Maginot" mean in English?
A: Welcome!



Q: Why do we need France on our side against Sadamm and Osama?
A: So the French can show them how to surrender.



Q: How many Frenchman does it take to gaurd Paris?
A: Nobody knows, its never been tried before



Q: What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A: The Army.



Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.



Q: Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?
A: So the Germans could march in the shade.



REPLACEMENTS FOR THE FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM:
"Runaway" by Del Shannon
"Walk Right In" by the Rooftop Singers
"Everybody's Somebody's" Fool by Connie Francis
"Running Scared" by Roy Orbison
"I Really Don't Want to Know" by Tommy Edwards
"Surrender" by Elvis Presley
"Save It For Me" by The Four Seasons
"Live and Let Die" by Wings
"I'm Leaving It All Up To You" by Donny and Marie Osmond
"What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers
"Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin
"Raise Your Hands" by Jon Bon Jovi